A Conflict. What Next? Dive In with Nonviolent Communication

A clear book on how to resolve conflicts using Nonviolent Communication, whether at home, at work, or within yourself, and create space for acknowledgement, calm, and cooperation. Become your own mediator!

• Practical and applicable

• Provides deep insight into what drives people

• Can be used for any conflict

Why conflicts are both inevitable and valuable

Conflict is a part of life. At home, at work, in the neighbourhood: wherever people work or live together, friction arises. How we handle it determines whether we get stuck or grow. Learning to deal with conflict effectively is a vital skill: it strengthens relationships and builds a foundation of trust.

Connecting Communication as the key to conflict resolution

Nonviolent Communication, or Connecting Communication, offers a clear, fresh approach to understanding and addressing conflict. It reveals what truly drives people and opens up possibilities for solutions. Once the parties involved truly hear one another, a new perspective emerges, marking the start of a lasting solution. Hester has designed a model, the Hourglass, for working through conflicts clearly by creating connection.

Connecting Communication shows that beneath the friction lies an opportunity to grow closer, or to part ways while remaining connected.

Resolving conflicts with empathy and clarity

A clear, accessible book for anyone who works with people, or simply for anyone who is human. It is suitable for anyone who experiences conflict, as well as for educators, mediators, therapists, community mediators, managers, and professionals across many fields.

Author & Illustrations

Hester Macrander is trained as a theatre director, theatre teacher, and Dutch language teacher. Since 2016, she has been an internationally certified trainer in Nonviolent Communication. She is the author of Verbindend communiceren, hoe dan? (Connecting Communication, How?) (Thema, 2024).

The illustrations are by Yara Rietdijk, a visual thinker at Flatland who is experienced in Connecting Communication, so her drawings are an essential part of the book as well as an attractive one.

What readers say

Reviews translated from Dutch. This book is currently available in Dutch only.

"A practical and insightful book… an excellent book for anyone who wants to truly understand the mechanics of conflict and how to resolve it. It is also suitable for those unfamiliar with Connecting Communication, as Macrander guides the reader through the concepts step by step."

"Hester Macrander has written an important book. I frequently encounter disputes that could have been resolved at a much earlier stage using the practical tools she provides. This book should be a staple in every youth centre, clubhouse, scout hut, and community centre."

"I find the 'Hourglass Model' particularly enlightening. The techniques described in this book have made my work as a mediator much easier (and more enjoyable)!"

"A book you wish you had come across sooner. How wonderful to gain insight into the underlying issues and seek solutions that truly feel like solutions to both parties."

"Nonviolent Communication is a key element in leveraging conflicts for growth. The clarity with which Hester conveys its principles is invaluable."

• Read Liesbeth Tettero's full review

  A Conflict. What Next? Practical and Insightful
  By Liesbeth Tettero for Managementbook

  Wherever people come together, friction arises. Conflicts are a part of life, whether it's minor friction or a blazing row. How can Connecting Communication help resolve conflicts? Hester Macrander has written a practical and insightful book on this subject, offering clear perspectives on the philosophy of Marshall Rosenberg: Nonviolent Communication, or Connecting Communication. Avoiding conflict is no longer an option; her invitation is to dive right in!

  Angel and devil

  In A Conflict. What Next? Hester Macrander addresses a wide range of conflict types: one-on-one situations, workplace issues, relationship struggles, and tricky parenting dilemmas. She also covers organisational settings: what to do when there is team friction? The book offers insights for those directly involved in a conflict, as well as for mediators or facilitators helping to resolve them. I found the chapter on internal conflicts particularly enriching. Who isn't familiar with thoughts that haunt the mind, "If only I had..."? Do you suffer from "toothache" or "regret-ache"? How can you become your own mediator between the angel and the devil on your shoulders?

  The Hourglass

  Central to her approach is the 'Hourglass' model, which focuses consistently on needs, or underlying drivers. Work begins at the top of the hourglass with self-examination regarding your own needs. What is your role in the conflict? Which needs are at stake? How do you handle them? This self-examination offers the option to step back from the conflict: not to avoid it, but to look for the solution within yourself first. Only when you have clarity on this is it time to move to the narrowest part of the hourglass: that is where connection takes place. Connection becomes possible when all parties acknowledge the needs of the other, or others. A key aspect of this philosophy is that needs are not the same as solutions; solutions come later, in the lower section of the "Hourglass" model. That is where the exploration takes place to see if a conflict resolution exists that honours the needs of everyone involved. In other words: moving from "either-or" to "both-and".

  Free-flowing dance

  Macrander has mastered the art of liberating the techniques used in Connecting Communication from rigid steps and "proper" protocols. She consistently grounds her approach in the core principles of the philosophy, transforming it into a free-flowing, practical "dance" of communication. This was already evident in her first, more general book, Verbindend communiceren, hoe dan? (Connecting Communication: How?), and here she applies those principles specifically to conflict situations. With a profound understanding of the human condition, Macrander offers a refreshing perspective: "If we simply start by accepting that we are largely chimpanzees, rather than the rational, civilised beings we imagine ourselves to be, then we don't need to be so alarmed by our own emotional behaviour or that of others." Macrander illustrates her points with real-life scenarios which, as she notes, are entirely made up, yet clearly reflect her extensive experience in conflict mediation. These cases also serve as exercises for the reader: she invites you to puzzle through the scenarios first before sharing her own insights.

  A Conflict. What Next? is an excellent book for anyone who wants to truly understand the mechanics of conflict and how to resolve it. It is also suitable for those unfamiliar with Connecting Communication (or Nonviolent Communication), as Macrander guides the reader through the concepts step by step.

  PS: I am fully aware that a review is, in itself, a judgement. As Macrander writes: judgements (even positive ones) […] create fear, guilt, or shame. Marshall Rosenberg himself also frequently pointed out the danger of compliments. Therefore, in the spirit of Nonviolent Communication: this book brought me joy because it provided me with deeper insights into the application of these principles. My needs for understanding and learning have thus been met.