This document provides information for navigating topics related to intimacy, sex, relationships, and related power dynamics in NVC trainings with as much care as possible. 

What is asked of you? 

• Candidates and Certified Trainers: You are required to accept the Agreements for Certification below to become or remain a Certified Trainer. Read the document to see if there is anything that is beyond your capacity or willingness to do.   
• Certified Trainers and Organizers: Decide how to adopt or substitute the Recommended Practices. Before you plan or participate in an NVC training, check that any other trainers or organizers are also aware of the guidance and agree on how to apply it in that specific training. 
• Assessors: Review the Guidance for Assessors and decide how to implement it. 
• Other community members: Reflect on how you plan to contribute to navigating intimacy with care and if you want to take specific actions. Reading this document is already helpful!

A quick note about language

This document talks about impacts instead of harm to avoid some of the cultural connotations of harm, for example that harm is intentional, can be objectively assessed, or should be punished. In alignment with NVC, this document separates impact from intention and invites a needs-based approach to caring for impacts and restoring trust. 

The terms Designated Trainers and Registered Participants are used as a simple way to refer to people in roles that come with different responsibilities and structural power. Where it might be supportive, more nuance is added to clarify that roles can change or be informal, and that people in any role may share NVC, participate in sessions, contribute to organizing, and connect with other people at NVC trainings. 

The terms intimacy and sexuality are used without specific definitions to make space for diverse perspectives about what they mean. Agreements and recommendations list specific actions to take or not take, instead of assuming that people would recognize the same actions as intimate or sexual. 

Integrating diverse perspectives and feedback

People have very diverse perspectives about how to approach these topics and which practices to use. The list below offers a brief summary of shared principles that serve as common ground to represent the needs of all community members. Any changes to this document need to care for all of these while integrating as many different viewpoints as possible. This process supports the continued evolution of our community’s agreements in ways that care for everyone and increase togetherness. If you strongly disagree with something, please provide feedback. 

Key principles and considerations

We want our approach to intimacy and sexuality at NVC trainings to:

• increase commitment and capacity for navigating intimacy with care in NVC trainings
• reduce the risk of difficult experiences, conflict, and long-term impacts for people who participate in trainings and the NVC community as a whole
• contribute to supportive learning environments for everyone, regardless of their role
• raise awareness about power dynamics and how to compensate for their effect on relationships
• encourage people to learn about trauma and adopt trauma-informed practices
• support inner transformation and systemic change for any judgements or shame associated with needs like intimacy, pleasure, and sexual expression
• provide clear strategies and practical tools that are likely to be within capacity
• offer restorative practices for situations where impacts or conflict occur, supporting healing and reconnection in ways that align with NVC principles
• create a sense of community with shared commitment, mutual support, and pathways for giving feedback and resolving disagreements  

In an ideal world, everyone would connect with each other as much or as little as they would like. We would meet our needs for intimacy and sexuality in ways that cared for everyone. We would be fully connected with our own needs, share clearly what we want and what we don’t want, and find other ways to meet our needs when people say no to us. Sadly, our current mainstream cultures in much of the world create a lot of barriers to making life wonderful in this way. 

People’s upbringing, experiences, and internalized judgements often limit their ability to connect to their needs, express their needs, and hold care for others. Taking action from this place of disconnection or lack of awareness can result in intense impacts and possibly long lasting trauma, even when there is an intention of care. Many people carry such trauma, including experiences of domestic violence or sexual assault. And many have been raised with secrecy, shame, and judgments about intimacy and sexuality. At the same time, people who have not themselves experienced certain forms of trauma, or have little knowledge of different cultures, may not be aware of potential impacts from actions they consider to be insignificant, playful, or even supportive.

NVC trainings can offer opportunities for people to work on healing from trauma and experience supportive intimacy. Without enough support, the invitation into connection and vulnerability, especially across power differences, can put people at greater risk of being impacted and potentially (re)traumatized. Creating a supportive space requires everyone to take responsibility for their part in caring for the community. For people organizing NVC trainings or sharing NVC, this includes developing awareness and skills for navigating diverse perspectives and cultural norms, power dynamics, trauma responses, difficulties with self-advocacy, and challenging interactions. 

Designated Trainers support everyone in focusing on the shared purpose of the training, which is to learn NVC. Because they hold more structural power, Designated Trainers also hold more responsibility for anticipating and responding to challenges related to intimacy and sexuality. Unlike technical or practical skills, learning NVC involves deep emotional and relational experiences and is often seen as an inner transformation journey or healing experience. As a result, it can be difficult to assess if what is happening is supporting everyone’s learning and when to intervene.   

All members of the NVC Community are invited to hold awareness of the potential for people to be disconnected from their own needs or unable to advocate for themselves. People may find it difficult to experience their own desire to connect, see intimacy between others, or keep their sense of agency in relation to others, especially Designated Trainers who hold more structural power and may be seen as authority figures. While triggered or scared, people are at greater risk of losing access to choice and more dependent on others to care for them. People sharing NVC also bring their own backgrounds, experiences, and trauma that could limit their capacity to be present, care for others, or engage with the topics of intimacy and sexuality. Creating a supportive space means seeing everyone’s humanity and taking action with as much care as we know how. In alignment with NVC, this also means speaking about these topics from a frame of needs instead of judgements.

Selecting an effective approach for this topic is complex. While some may suggest to simply ban all physical contact and avoid the topic of intimacy at NVC trainings, this approach does not prevent people from experiencing attraction and potentially acting on it. Avoiding the topic means that people have less support to navigate what is ok to do, how to ask, how to say no, and what to do if they get triggered or experience unwanted impacts. It can also reinforce beliefs that sexuality is shameful, dangerous, and needs to be repressed. Talking about the topic can reduce risks, model how to care for everyone’s needs, and provide opportunities to apply NVC. 

At the same time, it would be too simplistic to say, for example, that “sex and intimacy are just like any other universal need, so as long as there is mutual consent, we trust that everyone will meet those needs with care for all involved.” While working to transform beliefs that intimacy and sexuality are ‘bad’, inappropriate, or should be avoided, a nuanced approach and clear agreements are essential to care for the many factors that limit access to choice, especially across asymmetric power relationships. This includes specific restrictions for interactions with Registered Participants to support the focus on learning and reduce the risk of long-term impacts or trauma. 

To become or remain a Certified Trainer, the CNVC board requires you to agree to:

1. Read this entire document
2. Commit to the Restrictions for interactions with Registered Participants, listed below, and ask for a commitment to the same restrictions from other people who hold authority in your trainings, like non-certified Designated Trainers and Organizers
3. Adopt the Recommended Practices or equivalents that care for the same concerns
• Include relevant practices in your training plan for each event, or ask the people responsible for the training plan to do it, including what to do in response to actions that don’t follow the agreements or result in unwanted impacts
4. Reflect on your own needs, past experiences, and behavior to identify possible gaps or challenges in creating supportive learning environments and take action to address them
5. Seek support and initiate a dialogue if you are (or become) unable or unwilling to follow any of these agreements or restrictions.

These agreements are here to support everyone in caring for each other, not to punish or force anyone to do anything. No one can commit to always being able to follow every agreement. Instead, you can commit to seeking support in the moment when you see that you are not able to do something, or already did something that is different from what was agreed. This also applies in situations where you believe that making an exception might care for more needs. Instead of deciding on your own, seek support and guidance from others. Everyone can then help each other and decide together what to do.

Restrictions for interactions with Registered Participants

Even if you feel a strong pull to engage in these interactions with a Registered Participant, or you have a habit of doing it without thinking, or you experience a participant actively encouraging you or initiating these interactions, you commit to actively avoid:

• new romantic or sexual connections during a training or the interim period between "connected trainings", and for at least 6 months after
• physical contact that is likely to be considered sexual by people at the event
• expressions of romantic or sexual attraction

These restrictions don’t apply in relation to Registered Participants who have an existing romantic, sexual, or other intimate connection with you from before the training. The Recommended Practices include examples for how to communicate about existing connections.

If you take any actions that do not follow these restrictions during a training:

• consult with the organizing team, a mentor, or your support system as quickly as possible to determine how to proceed
• organize support to care for potential impacts on people involved and other participants
• seek advice on whether to step down from your role as Designated Trainer or Organizer

GUIDANCE FOR ASSESSORS

Assessors are asked to adopt the following practices:

• Share this document with candidates at the start of the assessor-candidate relationship
• Invite candidates to write journal entries and discuss the topic with peers and their mentors
• Offer curiosity and acceptance to encourage transparency and openness during the assessment process
• Acknowledge that candidates may feel hesitant to speak with you about their concerns or instances where they did not follow the guidance, especially given the power differences in the assessor-candidate relationship
• If a candidate avoids the subject or shares concerns about speaking with you, encourage them to seek support and suggest inviting someone they trust to support the two of you in dialogue

This section offers practical recommendations to support you in co-creating supportive learning spaces. To keep the document short, some recommendations are shared in the form of concrete examples, so information is not repeated twice. Please read all examples, including situations that may not apply to you, and see which principles or parts of practices can be applied in your context.

Using this guidance gives you a starting point, helps align practices between trainers, and can help you identify blind spots that you may not notice on your own. You may choose to adjust, replace, or add practices, as long as your plan aligns with the Principles and Agreements in this document. You are especially encouraged to adapt practices to stay within your capacity and willingness, and to fit the context of specific trainings. You can suggest changes to these recommendations based on your experiences, so practices evolve to meet the changing needs of the CNVC community. 

This document doesn’t cover how to care for your own potential trauma, engage in inner transformation work, and learn more about relevant topics. For a list of recommended topics, see the Increasing awareness and skills section.

The “sex talk:” how to introduce the topic

• Decide in advance what to share with Registered Participants before and during offerings
• You can use the example below as a starting point and adjust it to the context of each offering 
• For online workshops under 3 hours, you may skip the topic unless someone specifically asks about it. You may also mention that information is available without taking time to talk about it, and include a link to this document or another resource that communicates your approach
• For 3 hours or longer in-person workshops, share at least a few sentences. This is especially important if you offer activities that explicitly invite touch.  
• For multiple-day events and residential retreats, share more and include information about support systems and specific guidance for what to do if there is a challenging experience or concerns. Consider holding a specific session or community dialogue about navigating intimacy, touch, attraction, sexuality, and power differences.

Example: Introducing the topic at a retreat

“We’re creating a space for learning NVC, which often includes vulnerable sharing and intimacy. Connecting with others is a wonderful thing and we want to encourage you to explore it. People need and enjoy intimacy and physical touch. At the same time, we want to be careful to make choices that care for everyone and consider possible consequences. 

I want to invite everyone into shared responsibility to care for ourselves, communicate, and care for each other. We sometimes feel pressure to do things and don’t know how to say no. We sometimes get carried away with excitement and forget about our agreements or possible impacts on others. We might also mistake connection in the moment for long term interest or commitment. We ask that you take extra care if you choose to connect sexually or start a relationship, because sometimes we unintentionally trigger unhealed trauma or painful patterns. Talking about consent, sharing our limits, and checking assumptions helps us experience intimacy that everyone finds nourishing. 

The organizing team is also here to support you. CNVC trainers have a commitment to not engage in sexual or romantic interactions with participants. We are aware of the power differences between trainers and participants and we actively work to reduce the risk of difficult interactions. If anyone, including trainers or organizers, tries to connect with you or touch you in a way that doesn’t work for you, please speak up. If you feel uncomfortable for any reason or don’t know what to do, please use our support system. 

We also recommend talking to someone from the support team if you feel attraction to someone and it’s distracting you from the training, if others are connecting in ways that are difficult for you to witness, or if you just want some advice. If you have concerns about me or what I am doing, you can also speak with [person] if that’s easier. I would really enjoy you sharing any feedback with [person] so I can continue to learn what is supportive. Is there anything you want to ask about this topic now?” 

Planning for a multi-day in-person event or IIT

If you are one of the organizers for an in-person event or IIT, use this plan outline as a starting point or as a source of ideas to add to existing plans. You can also use some of these practices for smaller events if they are supportive. If you are invited to teach at an event and there is no training plan or it does not cover all of the points below, ask the organizers for changes. If they are not willing, seek support to discern how to participate in ways that keep your commitments to the Agreements. 

Before the event:

1. Prepare a plan for navigating intimacy and sexuality with care as part of your overall training plan
2. Prepare text for introducing the topic to Registered Participants (sometimes referred to as “the sex talk”). You can use the example in this document as a starting point and adjust it for your context. If you create your own version, include:
1. Why intimacy, relationships, and sexual contact are more likely to arise in NVC spaces
2. Encouragement to connect with others in ways that care for everyone
3. Examples of risks or potential impacts 
4. An invitation to shared responsibility for communication and consent 
5. What the training team is doing to support connection and reduce risk, especially across power differences
6. Specific information about how to get support
3. Review any communication you send to participants in advance like a registration confirmation or preparation emails and consider if and what to say about this topic. For example, you may invite participants to:
1. set up a support system before they arrive at the event, like friends they can call. This can be helpful in general and not just in relation to intimacy. 
2. reflect on their limits and how to care for themselves when connecting with others
3. check with their partner(s) for needs or requests related to connecting with other people
4. Review the planned training activities and adjust to reduce risks and bias, for example:
1. For activities that explicitly invite touch, include a consent reminder and an alternative way to participate without touch
2. For activities that talk about relationships, mention diverse types of connection like having more than one partner or a partner of the same sex
5. Prepare clear guidance and agreements for the organizing team on how to approach the topic and respond to challenges, including:
1. What to do if a participant initiates a sexual interaction or expresses attraction for a trainer, including how to care for participants who mix the experience of ‘being met with deep empathy’ with love or sexual interest
2. How to notice and attend to a possibly unconscious attraction between a Designated Trainer and a Registered Participant, which may be sensed by others and impact trust
3. What to do if participants seem uncomfortable with expressions of intimacy or touch between other people
4. If and how to share information about existing connections between Designated Trainers and Registered Participants 
5. How to check that agreements are within capacity and willingness 
6. Add support structures to increase the likelihood that people will follow agreements and take action when needed, for example:
1. Identify at least two people that anyone can contact for support during the training (in case one of them is involved in the situation)  
2. Add a standing agenda item for this topic during organizing team meetings (like the daily team check-in at IITs), and use a prompt that supports people with vulnerable sharing, for example “is anyone feeling even a bit uncomfortable about anything that has happened so far?” instead of “Is anyone not following our agreements?”
3. Check with yourself and others what else might be supportive and care for any discomfort, trauma, or capacity limits.
7. Have at least one conversation with the organizing team to review the plan, get a sense of how everyone orients to the topic, and resolve any remaining concerns. If the topic is very charged or especially challenging for some people, seek additional support. 
1. Ask what experience people bring and what support they might need
2. Ask about any existing relationships or connections, and how people plan to navigate them

During the event:

1. Follow your plan!
2. Model openness to intimacy with care in your own interactions. Demonstrate how to initiate connection, decline, and set limits. Share examples of how to navigate interactions with care for self and others.
3. Include the topic in suggestions for what to discuss or check-in about in small group conversations or home group meetings
• You can also just name the topic as an example of something people can share about in any general sharing circles. This can set the tone for open communication throughout the event.
4. Encourage registered participants to verbally check in before engaging in physical intimacy, and remind them that consent is an ongoing process that can be withdrawn at any time.
5. Remind people to check in with themselves and what support systems are available
6. If concerns are raised, use the guidance you created and your support structures
7. If you sense unspoken tensions around the topic, consider offering a session about it
8. When the event is closing, remind people they can still ask for support after the event

After the event:

1. Keep two support contacts available for at least one month. It often takes time for people to realize they are not ok and find the courage or support to take action. Check that support people remain available and replace them if needed. 
2. Include the topic in your feedback form 
3. Include the topic in your organizing team debrief
4. Provide an anonymous way to share feedback

Increasing awareness and skills

Because learning NVC includes vulnerable sharing and connection, trainers have a special need for awareness and skills in areas like consent, power differences, and trauma-informed practices. This section provides a short list of recommended topics to include in your own learning journey. You are encouraged to find related resources, especially ones that align with nonviolence.

Recommended topics include:

• Consent and communicating about limits 
• Social inequities and how they affect interactions
• Structural power, especially in trainings, and how it affects trust, safety, and learning in a group
• Navigating relationships across power differences (asymmetrical connections)
• Trauma and trauma-informed practices
• Gender, sex, sexual expression, shame, and pleasure
• Cultural differences, especially related to intimacy and power
• Restorative justice and nonviolent approaches to conflict
• Self-awareness of own patterns, habits, and vulnerability
• Creating agreements that people are able and willing to follow

Feedback for the original document can be accessed here and within the document here.

You can offer feedback for this version in this feedback form.
It is especially helpful to share specific examples of:

• How recommendations were applied in practice
• Situations where a specific agreement or practice contributed to a supportive outcome
• Any difficult situations where the document did not offer enough guidance or what was offered was not supportive

This project is an ongoing labor of love with many contributors. The original document was initiated by the ethics group of NVC network in Austria (Nicola Tobias, Paula Rossi, Mira Kernjak, Andrea Scheuringer) and Lydia Hammerschmied, and developed into CNVC guideline by Maria Hechenberger, Aga Rzewuska-Paca, Susanna Warren and Jim Manske. With additional contributions from Stephanie Bachman-Mattei, Shona Cameron, Mariam Gafforio, Miki Kashtan, Robert Krzisnik, Kathleen Macferran, Roxy Manning, Emma Quayle, and Erin Selover.

The project to revise this document was initiated by Jocelyn Kennedy and contributed to by Roni Wiener (main integrator and writer), Melissa Jones, Isa Stewart, Pam Winthrop Lauer, Lori Miller, Marcela Descalzi, Julien Barthès, Emily Hammond, and others who made smaller or less visible contributions, like providing accompaniment, quick feedback, or support with things outside this project so more energy could be directed here.