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WHILE I'M TRYING TO FIX AND SOLVE SOMEONE I LOVE
I would like support for how to notice --and then get myself out of-- when I get into a pattern of advice, fixing, etc. One of my typical triggers is when someone I'm very close with is very challenged, is hurting and in pain. I want to do something and don't know what. I fear that if I do nothing and sit there on the phone in silence that they will feel abandoned and alone and fell like they're dangling or that I don't care or am not listening. My nervousness is uncomfortable for me and so go to what I grew up with and am used to: advice, fixing it, creative ideas, etc... They're "good" ideas, if you know what I mean, but they are not connecting words and I can tell that they didn't like it. How can I first of all notice that I'm doing this, sooner than later? AND then how to recover on the phone and get on track? I'd love to hear different approaches. Thanks, Paul
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Transforming the Fix It Jackal ;)
Hi, Paul,
I'm feeling touched and grateful for your post and the invitation to comment, because I value self-awareness and cultivating more choice.
I come from a long line of fixaholics. I treasure the beautiful energy this jackal emerges from, the joy of contributing to the well-being of another.
So, for me, the path to transforming this pattern and cultivating more choice follows these simple (and not necessarily easy) steps.
1. Cultivate the skill to NOTICE the pattern in play. (Sounds like you are already fine-tuning this awareness.)
2. Give yourself the gift of PERMISSION and ACCEPTANCE that you behave in this way. One easy way of cultivating permission and acceptance is to acknowledge the underlying positive intention of the behavior...what need are you hoping to contribute to by behaving in this way?
3. EXTEND PERMISSION and ACCEPTANCE to the other person...In other words, acknowledge with a sense of empathy that the other is doing the best they can and cultivate curiosity and wonder about what they are feeling, needing and requesting.
4. CONSIDER VULNERABLY EXPRESSING your empathy, for example: "Looks like you're feeling frustrated with locking that door...would you like some support? Would you like me to help you?"
5. CONSIDER VULNERABLY EXPRESSING your honesty, for example: "When I see you unsuccessfully trying to unlock the door, I feel concerned and eager to help you. Would you enjoy me trying it?"
6. NOTICE with openness to outcome the response of the other and your response to their response. Then repeat steps 2-6.
Now I wonder how you feel receiving this advice from me! ;)
Warmly,
Jim Manske
CNVC Certified Trainer
Jim Manske
http://radicalcompassion.com
I'm celebrating visionary empowerment through Compassionate Leadership
http://compassionateleadership.com
Certified Trainer ~ The Center for Nonviolent Communication
http://cnvc.org
p e a c e w o r k s
Thank You Jim.
Hi Jim, Thank you for your loving and your most generous support. First I had an immediate big smile and then, when I read "I treasure the beautiful energy this jackal emerges from...", a burst of laughter took over. I thought: How could the word "treasured" fit someone as much of a fixaholic as my mom was to me for 64 years? The stark contrast was very funny to me. . . Also, your choice to start off the sentence with what you treasured told me more about a giraffe's thinking: there are only treasures . . . There is a lot more to your sharing of course and I expect to savor this too. Thank you for taking the time to give the details you gave. [PS. my mom has recently stopped fixing me, a change I never thought I'd see.]
Paul
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support
I like your idea of asking for support around the skill of noticing(awareness). Thank you. I too would like support around this same skill. I believe that like any skill noticing will improve as I practice it. First, I need to be aware that I need to practice it. Thanks for making that clear. Once I have admitted I need to practice a particular skill so I can apply it in an intentional way, practicing requires great discipline. I will support you in your effort to notice.