Danger of the "Floating Observation"

 Over the past several months, I have noticed a phenomenon with people learning and practicing NVC regarding observation, one of the four primary components of the practice.

It goes something like this: the person practicing NVC establishes a clear observation to begin a dialog. For example, let's say Bill is practicing NVC, and his co-worker said to him, "Bill, there is no way that you are going to get this project done in time. You should give it to me because I can get it done."

OK so far. A clear, unambiguous observation, meaning it is merely a statement of fact, and is free of subjective interpretation -- assuming his co-worker actually said that, it's a clear observation.

So now, let's imagine that the next day, Bill wants to approach his co-worker and express himself honestly about how that comment affected him. Classical NVC would guide him to begin with the above observation, then share his feelings, needs and make a request (hopefully a connection request to start with).

So far, so good. But from this point forward, I would encourage Bill to be in the present moment, which means -- among other things -- making PRESENT observations, more so than clinging to the observation from the past.

So yes, he could begin with the original observation, but then as soon as he engages with his co-worker, what does the co-worker do or say? What else happens that affects either of the parties? What does BILL do or say that creates a new observation?

For example: The co-worker, upon hearing Bill's original expression, rolls her eyes and waves her arm. This is a new observation. Therefore, Bill might then say (after some self-empathy ;-), "Bonnie, when I see you roll your eyes like that and wave your arm, I feel discouragement because of wanting respect. I'd like to know if what I'm saying makes sense... could you tell me back what you just heard me say?"

This is in contrast to ignoring the eye rolling and arm waving, and reverting back to the original observation of what she had said YESTERDAY... almost like pretending the present behavior isn't occurring.

Or another example: Bill shares with Bonnie his original expression of honesty, and Bonnie looks down at the floor, and Bill notices tears rolling down her face, and she puts her hand over her face. WOW! Now we have some new data.

Now, Bill might be motivated to say, "Whew, Bonnie, when I see you look down and I see tears in your eyes, I am moved and notice compassion in me. Could you tell me how you are feeling right now?"

Again, as opposed to quasi-ignoring the tears, and grasping onto the original observation, and saying, "Bonnie, did you hear me say how frustrated I was when you told me yesterday that I should hand the project over to you?" To me, this expression would be an example of living in the past, rather than the present.

For all the value that there is to "presencing" feelings and needs, I find it equally powerful to "presence" observations. The power of living in the present!