Weblog von jwbrown518

In the spirit of the season, I have been hearing a few people talk about making New Year's resolutions.

I reflected on common resolutions that people make -- to lose weight, stop smoking, be nicer to their spouse/partner, or whip themselves into shape in some fashion.

It seems like about 95% or more of the time, people are not successful at keeping their resolution. This reminds me of when I worked as a Nutritional Counselor for 5 years, and found that people's success rate at implementing my nutritional advice was very low, maybe 25% at best.

Henry, a friend of mine in St. Louis, recently posed a question to me about NVC in an email exchange we were having.

I am inspired to share it in my blog, in the hopes that it will stimulate you in some positive way. As always, I welcome feedback about my musings.

> HENRY: Question: in your judgment, is a stereotypical, sociopolitically conservative worldview compatible with NVC?

JEFF: I like this question -- it challenges me and stimulates me to grow and explore this question myself.

Over the past several years, one way I can describe my development as a human being is that I am releasing "either/or" thinking and embracing a "both/and" orientation.

This is so liberating!

For me, either/or thinking serves to constrict and limit me, boxing me into the corner of seemingly choosing between two things. In essence, different parts of me become "winners" and "losers," just like what happens between people with either/or thinking.

This weekend I am attending a training sponsored by the Mankind Project, an international men's organization that I belong to.

Lately, I have been appreciating the views expressed by Conal Elliot, a member of the NVC community who lives in San Andreas, California, which is about 2 hours east of the Bay Area.

   Last weekend, I led a 2-day NVC foundation training for 30 people in Kwan-ju, in the southern province of South Korea. There were 30 people in attendance, and aside from my interpreter, almost no one spoke English, and even the 2 or 3 who did, only spoke a little bit.

The lists of universal human needs that are widely circulated among the NVC community vary somewhat, but most contain the same 90%+ needs.

My assumption is that the original list of needs was created by the founder of NVC, Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, and has been adapted and revised by various trainers.

There are a few needs that appear on some "needs lists" that are dubious as to whether they are actually describing a universal element of life for all human beings.

First, allow me to offer my own definition of "need" as we define it in NVC:

"A quality of life energy that arises from inside of me, and asks for attention and fulfillment. Needs are the basic building blocks of life that are required to sustain and enrich life. They are universal in nature, meaning that all human beings share the same needs."

So, here are a few so-called "needs" that I call into question:

On Thursday, I gave a 1 hour, 45 minute lecture to students at the International Christian University (ICU) in Tokyo. I was invited by Professori Mori, who teaches a class on international relations.

Hideayaki and Haruno, two of my Japanese friends, made this connection with ICU, and I am grateful.

(photo taken by Ken Anno-- thank you, Ken)

On my first full day in Japan, I led a day-long training at the Asian
Rural Institute (ARI), for 25 people from 12 different countries in
Africa and Asia.

All of them them, as far as I know, spoke
English as a second language, and because there were so many different
languages among them -- and because ARI's programs are all in English -- there was no interpreter.

At some point in my journey of learning and integrating Nonviolent Communication (NVC), I took on an unconscious belief that went something like this:

"If I know NVC, that means I should be able to make any relationship work. And if I can't, then that means I must be inadequate at using NVC." Eeeks! Clearly a jackal belief, if there ever was one! And I see how holding this belief would make it all that much more difficult to sustain intimacy and closeness in relationships.